Tuesday, September 04, 2007

In which Allison proves she's not as 'together' as she likes to believe.

I cannot figure out my meltdowns. I can explain Matt's situation, give gory details about his treatments, brain surgery, and hospitalizations to 100's of people and not blink an eye or tear up. It actually feels like it's becoming a part of our family. Sad as it is to think this is now defining us, it really is, and in some ways we are embracing it. We are becoming involved in different pediatric brain tumor organizations and are thinking about starting a foundation for pediatric brain tumor research and support. (Anyone have any clever names? The only one we can think of is "Miracles for Matt.")

So, today I decide it's finally time to return those W-A-Y overdue library books. Matt got sick right as the books were due, then my life fell apart, and truthfully, my chief library book tracker (Matt) could no longer remember where the books were hidden! Definitely one of the downsides of brain tumors . . . I've also been dreading this task because, well, Matt is my child who gets ecstatic at the thought of the library. I really didn't want to go at all, but knew I had to go face the music. I was feeling great this morning and was anxious to get a few errands run. At the library I proceeded to explain (generally) that my books were obscenely late, but that I had a good excuse. The librarian had to check with the head library guy, and he wanted me to come to his office. Apparently, they have had several people this week claim to have children in Primary Children's, and he thought I was another woman they had spoken to earlier this week. As he proceeded to look over my account and take off my fines, he agreed to waive them all if I would just pay $5. This was a kind thing to do and I had no problem writing a check. However, as I am writing, the tears just start and before I know it I am sobbing in this poor gentleman's office! As I am blubbering I worry that he'll think I am upset that I have to pay $5. That isn't it at all, the wave of emotion just hits me at the most bizarre times! I try to explain this to the man and he just hands me a tissue. So, then I have to weave my way through the (horribly crowded) library. The first day of story time was today and it was also voting day, so it was really crowded. I was so embarrassed. Luckily, there was a woman from my ward there who understood a bit about why I was melting down. She was so calm and walked me to the door. I'm sure everyone thinks I'm a lunatic, but, you just can't predict these things. For someone who considers herself usually pretty in control, these sudden losses of control are very disconcerting!

Some other signs and symptoms of my insanity:

Finding myself in Wal-Mart without a very important, um, foundation undergarment. I was totally dressed otherwise, including jewelry, I just forgot something important (especially for a woman who is 7 months pregnant)!

Missing the road to Wal-mart. Then, missing the road back home after I finished my shopping!

Taking my boys to the first day of school. Having long talks with both teachers and the principal and upon returning home having Warren look at me strangely and say, "did you know you have two totally different earrings in?" I did to - they weren't the same color, size, or style!

Driving home today I got clear to the canyon before it occurred to me that I had missed our street!

COMPLETELY losing it in the Verizon store. I am thankful I don't live in SLC because I can never go in there again. When Matt was in the hospital I was desperate for a new cell phone. My old one was completely worn out and kept cutting out on people. Verizon needed me to call my old provider and obtain my account number. When I was on the phone with my old provider they said they needed a picture ID. I totally lost it and started sobbing in the store. They were all very nice to me after that, Cingular did end up giving me the account number and the Verizon people were SO kind and helpful!

So, I suppose the lesson here is:

If you ever meet a woman whose son was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, DO NOT ask her for picture ID or for a $5 check to get rid of any fines!


McKay said...

It's inspiring how well you've handled this experience. I know I only get glimpses of what's happening through your blog, but you're very strong and I can only hope that I would be able to keep it together as well as you have if I were in a similar situation.

Our family prays for you, Matt, and your family and you have our love and support.

Karen and Lew said...

Just let it out, little camper. You are under a huge amount of stress and your brain can only take so much. Maybe you can start a foundation that returns overdue library books for families with sick kids.

Katie said...

LOL at Karen's idea. I wish there was something I could do for you. I'd return your books for you if I was close! We have a little rubbermaid container that the kids know to put the library books in when they're done with them that helps keep them in the same place. It's a great idea theoretically, but it doesn't find the books the kids sneak up to their rooms.

Did you get the TS package last week?

Slim Pickins said...

I think that being pregnant alone allows you to cry at the drop of a hat. I feel like I always have tears waiting to be randomly unleashed and I'm always blaming it on being prego. But you have true reasons to let them flow and I hope that you will. I feel that the more we let ourselves cry, no matter where, the better off we are and we are then a bit stronger to face the next hours.

I love you, Courtney

Rebecca said...

Oh Allison, you are so sweet! You need those meltdown times to relieve some of the stress. Just wish they didn't hit at the "wrong" times. :) (((HUGS))) You are in our prayers!

alligood said...

Karen, you crack me up!

Katie, I DID get the package - thank you! I am overwhelmed that people I have never met would be so generous to our family. I hope to send thank-you notes soon... :-)

Courtney, I am wondering if you ever received my email about your friend's brother? My computer was having 'issues' the night I was sending it...

Rebecca, thanks for the prayers!

McKay, Hi! It's good to hear from you - thanks for the support. How is your family?